I want sexual healing I want to run a mile and hide forever.
I wonder why Marvin Gaye didn’t use those lyrics? I mean, the syntax could use some improvement but it’s certainly more accurate…I think…?
(I should note at this point – if you feel like you are being indirectly referenced within this blog post, you probably are. If the shoe fits and all – deal with it, worse things happen at sea. Sarry.)
As 90% of you may well know, I have been single now for a grand total of 18 months. After years of jumping from one relationship to another I definitely needed the time on my own, but never in a million years did I anticipate dating to be as truly horrendous and difficult as it is – Mother Dating is a cruel mistress (I mean that like Mother Nature, not dating mothers…FYI).
I won’t lie, I have been on more dates than I’ve had hot dinners – no wait…they mostly were hot dinners…either way, you get what I mean. It never gets any easier though; the first date stuff, that’s fine. That’s dandy. That’s easy. What comes after the first date though is the hard part; the second, third, forth dates. The potential and more than anything else, the dread of developing feelings.
It’s this last one that I think is my biggest downfall. When I started dating I struggled to separate my emotions from it all which caused me to get hurt time and time again. This hurt then led me to be careless with other people’s feelings and I started ghosting people – like, genuinely nice guys – purely because I didn’t want to get hurt. I realised that this was not a nice way to treat people so I took a step back and assessed what I was doing. I made a concerted effort to stop; I let my walls down, I took a leap of faith and went with the feels, didn’t ghost, and – HEY PRESTO – finally met someone who I thought I could see myself with and best of all, IT WAS MUTUAL.
Or so I thought.
I was ghosted. I was ghosted so hard I could have had a starring role in Paranormal Activity. And the worst part? I didn’t like the taste of my own medicine. So many times I had ghosted guys and not thought twice about it, but suddenly it happened to me and I realised how much it hurt.
Fast forward to this year. The dates slowed down because I had finally realised how horrible it was to get pie’d. This however presented a new problem – I was terrified of catching ‘the feels’ again. It was like clockwork – I’d get to three weeks of seeing someone and *POOF* any semblance of feeling’s, gone. Finito. Nada.
What is with that?!
So again, I’ve tried to be better. I’ve tried not to ghost people and to warn them of the 3 week scares – I’ve not always succeeded (sorry), but I’m certainly trying to be better!
There’s not really any profound meaning to this blog post (is there ever?), more just me sounding out my frustrations with the dating world. It’s so hard to find that balance between being interested but not coming across as needy. Finding the balance between testing the waters and making a go of things with one person. Protecting yourself but being able to let yourself feel something. It’s an extremely fine equilibrium which I am very much yet to master!
There are 101 other things that I could say about the dating world which mostly stem from me being treated like a doormat by, quite frankly, a$$holes. I will keep those frustrations to myself though as they are not really worth my energy.
One thing I am sure of though, and that dating has taught me. If I ever have children I will teach them that they are worth everything. They are worth someone putting in effort, they are worth someone caring, they are worthy of being treated like the most precious jewel on earth and that, without a shadow of a doubt, they should accept nothing less. I will also tell them that it is not nice to treat people as if they are expendable – they must never treat people like this, but likewise they must NEVER EVER accept being treated like this. I will tell them that it is ok to feel, it is ok to fall and it is ok to let yourself go but likewise, it is ok to protect yourself and not show your hand.
Perhaps I need to start telling myself the same thing.